Testimony of My Walk (Oftentimes Crawl) with the Lord
Some background (just summarizing)
I was born the eldest of seven children, (3 boys and 4 girls) into a catholic family
As a child, (I can remember many incidents of my childhood as far back as age two consistently and a select number of things even earlier), the world was very alive to me. From the fresh grass under my feet and actually the soil beneath, I was able to vividly capture the colour and aroma of everything in my life. I was extremely sensitive to the emotions of everyone and everything around me so much so, that I would hurt and feel the pain of others literally and would even be embarrassed for another when they would (in my mind) make fools of themselves around other people. I loved and understood animals and was able to feel their emotions as well. I was about 7 years old when I decided that I would become a doctor in life. A doctor was the only profession that would fit into my belief that you could touch a person and they would be healed. That was how I believed that healing took place. I still believe this to this very day (I think I was born knowing this), only now, I know that this healing is connected to being connected to and being used as an instrument of God and the Holy Spirit. As a child, I would daydream that I was touching someone and they were healed. It felt very natural and right.
My father was very dedicated to his religion and attended mass every Sunday
My father insisted on his children attending Mass and confession followed by communion every week
When I was 10 years old, I spent an entire week being very diligent about not sinning so that when I went to confession I could say with honesty to the priest that I had not sinned that week, the result was that the priest did not believe me and had chastised me and he gave me a ton of extra hail marys and our fathers to make up for my sin of lying. After that, I didn’t try or even pay attention to working on not sinning and the truth is, that even before that, I used to make up things to say about what sins I had committed just to have something to say when I went to the confessional.
I was a daddy’s girl
My mother struggled with mental health issues and was overwhelmed and struggled in trying to raise her children as a stay at home mom
More often than not, I was left in charge of raising and taking care of my siblings, this started at the young age of 5 years old and gradually increased as my mother’s health declined
My father went to great lengths to remind me of how proud of me he was that I helped my mom when he wasn’t around. It meant a lot to me to have my father proud of me
At or around the age of four when a young child of my parent’s friends had passed away from Leukemia and I had asked my father where she was, he tried as best he could to explain that God had taken her away to be with him in heaven because he didn’t want her to have pain anymore.
What I heard that day (literal 4 year old me), was that I wasn’t allowed to have pain or this thing called God would steal me away from my parents and take me to some place called heaven. I decided subsequent to that conversation that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel any pain ever again
Around the age of five, I was sitting on the sofa in our small house with a bucket in my lap. I was using the bucket for vomiting as I was sick with the flu (so much for not feeling pain). My mother looked over at me and informed me that God was punishing me for being bad and that was why I was sick. She further informed me that the devil lived under our floorboards in a place full of fire and that if I was bad, he could come up from hell and snatch me away to hell with him
By the time I was five years old, I was terrified of both God and the Devil as only a child can be.
I feel it only fair to mention and point out that by the time I was five years old, my mother had already given birth to, and was trying to raise five children with limited ability to do so without assistance
I was always somewhat afraid of attending Masses at our church growing up. I felt like the priest was always screaming at me during service
I ran away at the age of 12 years old and went to my doctor’s office (his house) in the middle of the night because life at home had become very dangerous and out of control. We were placed in foster care with the Catholic Children’s Aid Society 3 days later.
All three of my brothers had been placed in foster care or institutions in the years prior to this event and as a result, there were only my three sisters and I still living at home at the time
I went from being the oldest of seven and responsible for the upbringing of my siblings to the youngest of three in my foster home at the age of 12
Shortly after arriving in foster care, I overheard someone say that they didn’t believe in God. I picked up on it and started to declare the same thing to myself and would continue to do so for several more years. I was not required to attend church during my stay with my foster family which would be around four years, before being returned to my biological family.
To further clarify, I chose to return to my biological family when my parents were able to get my brothers and sisters back. I felt the need to protect them (my siblings) as I was sure that things would go back to the way they were prior to foster care. I was 16 at the time.
This would be one of the hardest decisions that I ever made as a youth, as my foster family had made plans to officially adopt me into their family, something that I wished for very much.
In 1977, I became pregnant with my youngest of four children (3 adopted), and almost as soon as I became pregnant, there was an overpowering urge within me declaring loudly that I needed God in my life. Several days later, the first of Mormon elders showed up at our house and I welcomed them into our lives and family. We became Mormon and I even taught Sunday school and was baptised into the church family. This would continue until I was reading the New Testament on a Sunday when I should have been in Church (1986). I had just read the part in Matthew 22:30 where Jesus rebukes the Sadducees about not knowing the scriptures or the power of God. When the elders called to see if I was sick. I mentioned that the bible contradicted their teaching of going to the temple to be sealed for eternity in heaven with your spouse and was informed that the bible didn’t say that, so I read it to them directly. Upon doing so, I was further informed that the Book of Mormon was the more reliable source of God’s word because it came before the bible. I never returned to the church. What they had said had jarred my spirit and felt so wrong.
It took me 18 years from the time I started to devour the word of God to be able to read the Old Testament. I truly believe that this was how God intended it to be because those 18 years of living and messing up showed me how it was possible for us humans to go off the rails so to speak and, I had a better understanding of human nature after those 18 years than I did prior to that. When I was finally able to read the Old Testament, I devoured it with the same hunger that I had when the New Testament had first grabbed me. The most impacting book for me during my initial reading was the book of Exodus.
These are just some of the major events that have contributed to, or have affected my walk with Christ; I often refer to myself as one who, like the Israelites, had to walk 40 years in the desert with Moses while trying to get their walk with the Lord on the right path. Talk about having to work out your salvation. Philippians 2: 12-13
In 1986, after having read the New Testament, I was on fire for God not just for myself but also for my daughter who was still at home with me. My other three children (adopted in 1975) had become adults and were no longer living at home.
The Real beginning of my Testimony for God
I have never been able to pick out pieces of the bible to read but rather, read it as a whole story for some reason. When I read the New Testament in 1986, it was to me, a story that came together as one piece. If there was any straying away from that, it was one particular verse that spoke to me the most at the time.
Matthew 6: 25-34
No matter how hard I tried, this passage of how we are to trust God with everything in our lives kept dogging me. I spoke with a Christian friend at the time about it. She said that this was God speaking to me about something very specific that he wanted me to work on and, who further informed me that the key was to totally give everything to God and he would provide for my every need. She also informed me that once I gave it all to God, to keep my hands off and not try to take it back. As a single mother who felt the burden of responsibility of making sure that my loved ones were taken care of, this was a challenging thing for me to do (taking my hands off of the controls in every aspect of my life that is). Trust was another issue for me as I had been disappointed by many in my life.
I was unemployed at the time (disaster for a single parent) and was actively searching for jobs that didn’t seem to exist (there had been major cutbacks in the economy and even working in the health field had become difficult as job cuts were happening all over). A military friend had joked with me about joining the Armed Forces as they didn’t have to deal with cutbacks. Even though it had been said jokingly, I started to seriously look at this option. After a short period of time, I started the process of applying with the military. I had already applied and gone through the aptitude tests and was waiting for further word when a friend of my mothers who lived in New Brunswick advised me that if I was willing to transfer, she had connections and could get me a job at the hospital. This opportunity arose shortly after I had started to immerse myself in the word of God.
Here was where my first baby steps with God started to come into play. If I was going to leave the province (Ontario) for another, then I would have to downsize to just what I could take with me. The cost of a moving truck was definitely out of my financial realm. Over several months of preparation, I started to slowly sell off what I could and, give away other things that constituted our life of things collected. There was plenty of stuff since my adult children had only left home a short while prior to this event.
There was one particular item that I can remember clearly as being difficult to part with. It was a painting that I had worked hard to obtain and had paid off over a period of months with my limited salary at the time. God spoke to me often about it as I went to prayer. In the end, I gave it to a friend with the instructions that it was theirs to keep and I wouldn’t be asking for it back. They knew how important the painting was to me and insisted that I could have it back once I was settled. Interesting enough, once I totally let go of that painting, it let go of me. This was my first of many baby steps with the Lord. I was still the literal child who was now a literal adult and when the Lord said give all to me; I took this literally to mean everything. This literal me, has been both a blessing and a curse in my life depending on the circumstances.
When my daughter and I finally made our trip to New Brunswick, we had only the clothes that we needed as well as my daughters stuffies along with a few personal effects such as photos and legal documents. Everything else had been sold or given away. We stayed with family friends for about a week prior to leaving. On the day of our departure, they handed us a goodbye card and instructed us not to open it until we were on the road. We had sandwiches and 43 dollars for gas money to travel the 1600km to our new destination. Since we were driving a small car, I was sure that I would have enough. When we had opened the card, (over half way through our trip, I believe), we discovered that there was a 100 dollar bill inside. Our friends were worried that we might not make it all the way with the money that we had. Believe it or not, we were less than an hour away from our new home when I ran out of the money that was supposed to get us there. Had it not been for the generous gift from our friends, we would not have been able to fill the gas tank for the last leg of the race. God knew, even when I didn’t.
When we arrived, we stayed with my Grandmother for a time. The idea was that we would stay with her until I started my job at the hospital and then find a place of my own. Since I had been receiving unemployment benefits prior to leaving and still had some time left to collect, I had to go to the government building to transfer my benefits claim. The lady told me that it would take 4 to 6 weeks for my claim to be transferred. She must have seen the look of despair on my face because she recommended that I go to the welfare office and explain my situation to them. In this way, I would still have some funds until my benefits started again. Although I was reluctant to do this, do it I did, as I needed funds until my cheque arrived. They paid me that very day for the last few days of the month as well as the next full month since it was already due for payment.
My next car payment was almost due. I discovered that the job that I had come for did not exist. I applied at both hospitals on my own. (I managed to get them to give me a casual position, where I would be contacted if someone called in sick or went on pregnancy leave). All this occurred during the first week after my arrival.
I checked the phone book also in my first week at my grandmother’s place and found a church for my daughter and I to attend the next Sunday. I had just left a church that was quiet and subdued and upon attending my first service in Saint John New Brunswick, I was overwhelmed. I believe I cried through most of the entire service. This was the first time I had ever encountered this in a church. The worship service combined with the message spoke to my heart in ways that it had never been touched. I truly went away feeling as if my daughter and I had legitimately spent meaningful time with the Lord. We were welcomed into the church as if we were long lost family finally returning home. It did feel like home for us. The love that was expressed in welcoming us was utterly amazing. It was also sincere.
After that first service, there was one more thing that happened. Matthew 6: 25-34 was still dogging me. Before returning to my grandmother’s home that day, I was sitting in the car with my daughter and read it to her as well. I asked her what she thought it meant and her interpretation was the same as mine. At that point, I looked up toward the sky and vocally said to God. “Ok, if this is true, prove it”. In that moment, I also relinquished total control of every aspect of my life to my God. (I have since been told that it was a sin for me to ask God to prove it to me, but, it was what I did that day).
My grandmother was raised in a United Church; I believe that she was raised in a Christian family, not sure but pretty sure. She had become a very wealthy lady who had great influence in all of her circles and was a member of the Edgar Cayce Club, she also believed in reincarnation at the time. She had asked me to pick up takeout food on that Sunday Afternoon after church, and when I returned, she expressed amazement at my daughter’s determination about God hearing her prayers. While I was out on my errand for her, she had specifically suggested to my 8 year old daughter who was praying at the time that God couldn’t be everywhere and couldn’t hear everyone’s prayers all at the same time. My daughter had very stubbornly and matter of factly told her that yes he did. It gets better; she then proceeded to ask me what I was going to do about my money situation. I told her “nothing, I have given it over to God”. She said, “Ok, but what are you going to do about it”. Again, I repeated what I had just told her. This frustrated her to no end. I too held my ground so as not to take anything back that I had given to the Lord. The awesome thing was, I knew now in my heart of hearts after asking God to prove it to me that he would. I had total peace and assuredness as a result.
The next day, I went to the post box for my grandmother and was shocked to find my first unemployment check already there. A couple of days does not equal 4 to 6 weeks. The miracle was not lost upon me and I thanked God. I called the welfare office and explained to them that my first check had already arrived and that I would be visiting them to return the money that they had advanced me. They made it clear in no uncertain terms that they did not want the money back and would not take it back. This miracle too did not escape me. This was in part why I was able to procure a home for my daughter and myself earlier. Even my grandmother declared that she was actually starting to believe that we were blessed.
I went and got my taxi licence so that I could have a steady income while waiting on calls from the hospital (none had happened yet). My daughter and I moved into a small place at the back apartment of a home and with bare basics started our new life both together and, together with the Lord at the helm.
I can’t recall ever being able to go to church on Sunday and getting through the entire service without weeping for many months to come. My daughter and I totally trusted in the Lord for all of our needs without question or reservation. I had a childlike trust in the Lord for all things. We had a plastic loaf of bread (built like a bank) sitting on our kitchen table in which we put in whatever extra change we could. That money combined with everyone else’s in the church was to go towards the needy.
There was one Sunday in particular where we were asked at the church service if we could put what we could in the extra collection that day to help cover one of the parishioners and their family. They had been in an accident and the insurance company was not covering the total costs to fix their vehicle. I can’t recall how much I put into the collection plate for them that day but it was no more than 25-50 cents. It was all I had on me and I was delighted to help in any way that I could. I did feel embarrassed that I wasn’t able to contribute more.
The following Sunday, as I walked into the church at the beginning of the service, my friend Linda (the mother of the family whom we had taken the additional collection for) grabbed me and pulled me aside before the service started. She put something in my hand and closed it tightly with her own. This is what she said while she kept my hand closed with hers, “When you took a collection for us last Sunday, we were given more than we needed and when I asked God who to give it to, he said you”. When I opened my hand, there was 78 dollars in it. I had not told anyone that my daughter and I only had one meal left in the house. That 78 dollars was enough money to put food in our cupboards and fridge for an entire month. If that’s not Gods handiwork in action, then I truly don’t know what is.
By the way, I feel that it is important to mention that I was not worried or concerned when I got down to that one last meal left. I had total confidence that God would look after us. I can’t recall wondering how he would do that, just that he would.
My daughter and I were baptised in that church with all of our brothers and sisters in Christ rejoicing with us. We were able to continue attending this church for almost a full year before the military offered me a position as a medic. During that year, my daughter and I attended this church every Sunday; I attended bible study weekly and I was so bold for God that I was able to deliver bible tracts throughout my new city without trepidation or fear. Today, it is truly my hope that God used me to help plant a seed for someone and that it bore fruit, even if I have no knowledge of the effect it may have had on a complete stranger. I can hope.
In November 1987, I went to boot camp. I was almost 30 years old. I had to have an age waiver issued in order to join. For 10 weeks, we were worked to the bone trying to stay on top of rules and duties that only another military member can appreciate and relate to. Between all this were daily inspections of every sort. There was barely enough time in any given day to accomplish all that was necessary. It was not unusual to go without any sleep for days at a time. (This was by design). From boot camp, instead of being transferred to the next base where my trade training was to begin, we were sent to Quebec for French Language Training for six months. From there, it was on to the next base for training in the medic trade. All in all, it would be about 14-15 months before I would finally be posted to my first base and begin to live a reasonably normal life with my daughter again.
Here is my warning to all who will listen, especially to all the babes in Christ who are still trying to get their footing in the beginning stages of their walk with the Lord. The dangers and pitfalls are real
When I finally had time to think and go back over those months that brought me to the place where I was finally working in a hospital again and having a real family life, I realized that my life had been on such a roller coaster for so long that God had gotten somehow left behind in the shuffle. I was horrified to discover that things had been coming at me at such a rapid pace, that I had made no time to include God into my everyday life. That horrification quickly became guilt and shame. I became convinced (or convinced myself) that God was angry with me for forgetting him.
I had not been to church since starting boot camp and to me this was worse still. I guess most people would have run straight back to church and God at this point but I, ran out of my fear and guilt further away from him. In fact, the more I tried to convince myself that this was not the case, I more I became convinced that I had screwed things up beyond repair. I took paths as far away from Gods direction as I could and then tried to put it out of my mind. Over the next several years, I continued to do what I wanted to do rather than what God wished for me to do and on those rare occasions when God would come into my thoughts, my heart was hardened and it became more challenging to even look at God. I came to the point where I simply chose to put God out of my mind altogether. It was not that I was declaring that there was no God, (I would never be able to honestly do that again), it was more like I cut him out of my life altogether.
Over the next several years, I managed to prove to myself just how inadequate I was, and am, at taking care of all of the details of my life without Gods direction and guidance. In every aspect, I made every mistake and screwed up my life as only I could. To add to this guilt, I had successfully managed to drag not just myself but my daughter away from God as well. The guilt that I felt over this and the consequences of choices made were very real. Things were not going well in my world.
My biggest reason for leaving the military in 1991 was because I needed to spend more quality time with my now teenage daughter. I had married a military man who in the end had hurt my daughter terribly and the fallout was horrendous. Because my next posting was supposed to be in the field, it meant that I wouldn’t be there for her when she needed me most. I carried the burden of tremendous guilt over her situation as well, as I had brought this man into our lives. There was a lot of healing needed for both of us.
In this process, I took a job that kept me even further away from my daughter for even longer periods of time. I wanted to be able to give her things that I believed she needed. In truth, I think that I was actually trying to escape the guilt that I was forever feeling by giving her everything that her heart could desire to make up for her injury. Needless to say, the time away from her further damaged a once wonderful relationship. New struggles on a daily basis, but foolishly enough, I never once reached out to God to ask for forgiveness and once again ask him to take over. At this point, I had totally lost my way.
That job caused me to be so driven that I eventually crashed. God does some of his best work with people who have finally hit rock bottom is an adage that should be looked at with much more seriousness than I believe is taking place.
I had finally come to the place where I had nowhere else to hide. I was faced with myself and my inadequacies in the most profound of ways. I was bedridden in the beginning for many months. Every attempt to get up and get going again was futile. It was during the time leading up to this that I had been introduced to what I refer to today as new age thinking.
I encountered a lady who had encouraged me to look in the mirror each day and declare that I see God. (We are made in the image of God. I guess this is where she was pulling this from). I know it sounds crazy given my history but I will tell you that I only tried it once and when I did, I saw the face of a demon staring back at me. It scared the heart out of me. Like I said, I only tried it once and that was enough. Interestingly enough, the same person who encouraged me to do this also said that I would have a close up and personal encounter with God. She may have been getting her information from the wrong sources (she was a physic) but she will never to this day know how impacting and accurate her prediction was.
It was during this time of disability in my life that I received the dream (series of dreams) from God. Refer to the dream from God.
I would love to say that after the dream, I immediately came back to the Lord, but if I did, it was a very gradual transition. I still continued to live a life not pleasing to my father in heaven and continued to work on getting better. (This process brought more new age stuff to me not less). Every type of healer with every type of healing method found their way into my life. If I am being honest, there was always that part of me that declared that these people were in error and calling on the universe instead of God never sat well with me. It was during this time frame, and 2002 that the visitation from God occurred also.
Refer to the dream and visitation section
In 2002, I made the choice to move from Alberta (I had moved to this province upon my release from the military in 1991) back to Ontario to assist in a family emergency that was occurring at the time. At this point, I was back on my feet and working again, (had been for awhile) but it was not all the new age healers that got me there. (God had intervened on my behalf with the dream). I had found a doctor who was willing to use our sessions to help me grow up emotionally into an adult operating in the adult arena. You know-- simple skills like getting the required amount of sleep to deal with the physical me and taking care of myself, learning how to say no when I needed to, things like that. It was pointed out to me that I was sorely lacking in this area of my life. While most are given this skill from their parents, mine unfortunately didn’t have this to give. I often wonder how life would have been so much different for my parents and my siblings and I had someone been able to impart this wisdom to them. But my heart then reminds me that God has a reason for everything in life.
Before I moved away, (I was in Calgary at this time) there was someone whom I had the privilege to call my neighbour (a family to be exact), who had a profound impact on helping me find my way back to where I needed to be with God. In fact, it was their influence and dedication to the Lord and a total love for God and all people without any sense of being judged by them, who would be instrumental in helping me find my way back to him. They were and are a true family of God in every sense, one who I consider to be a total blessing in my life.
It was Donna and Fred and their children who worked with God in the most powerful way to get my attention. They were pure love and support in a way that I had not experienced since my time at our church in New Brunswick. I would come home from work (home care), to find beautiful little cards of love and blessings from Donna. They would often invite me over for coffee after a long day at work or just to visit. Fred would offer suggestions, encouragement and support for the efforts I was making to build a deck in my backyard (He was a carpenter). Donna had the most beautiful flower garden and was able to educate me on her knowledge and share her joy of the beautiful plants that she had a passion for. They ultimately had the most power for God because even though they made it obvious that they were a Christian family; they showed it most potently by walking their walk and showing their love for all. Not once did they ever condemn or criticise me. The love that they gave me so freely was such that I discovered how very much I missed my relationship with God. This started the hope that I might be able to return to him.
The next phase of my life took me back to Ontario where I had started from. Almost immediately upon returning, the desire to get right with God again was upon me and I searched out a church close to where I was living at the time. The dream came back to me as did the visitation in 1997 and because I had kept a copy of it and had it with me; I started to share it with others. It was almost as if it had gone to sleep in my memory banks for a time and was now being activated again.
Again, this was a process and it did not all occur at once but at one point in 2005, just before leaving Ontario again, I was sitting on the sofa talking with God and reading my bible when I came to the part in Hebrews 6:6 where it talks about falling away and not being able to be reconciled with God again. At least that was how I interpreted it. I was devastated. I called my pastor at the time and told him my concerns and he blew me off with his comments and basically said that I was wasting my time worrying about nothing. With no help from that avenue, I was left in misery and despair. As I sat there, swinging from one emotion to the other, I looked up in frustration and asked God why he would go through all the trouble of giving me the dream and visitation if I was already doomed. After another round of tears and despair, I looked up once again and declared that even if I had screwed up my chance for salvation, he couldn’t stop me from trying to help others to get there. I meant it and then said “I really do love you you know”. I meant that too. You know what I got back in response? “Prove it”. That was all, but I knew instantly what he was referring to and answered, “I will”. It was during this time period that when I voiced my concerns to other Christians that I was told that I couldn’t lose my salvation. You know, once saved always saved. This has never sat right with me and still doesn’t, even more, I want to please God in every way not just by doing the bare necessities. I have come to realize this over time even if I am jumping ahead a bit.
On my trip back to Alberta in 2005, I was what could best be described as internally on fire for God, even though I couldn’t feel the power of the Holy Spirit working through me the same way as it had in 1986.
That was one of the hardest things to deal with. The absolute child like faith and belief that I had had in the beginning of my journey with the Lord was something that I could no longer acquire easily. And yet.............there was a time upon my return when I was going from house to house one night. (This was part of the job that I had returned to) when I started to ask God to bless the people in each house as I left their property to go to the next.
At one point, from leaving one house to go to the next, I asked Jesus if he would go to the door with me at the next house. I could imagine him walking with me, me tucked in around his protective cloak and his arm over my shoulders as I rang the doorbell.
That was when something totally amazing happened. As the lady answered the door, she greeted me warmly and then jumped back in what appeared to be shock and pleasant surprise. We had an awesome time chatting about the organization that I worked for and when our business was concluded and as I was walking away from their property, I said to Jesus, “wow, did you see that? I think that she saw you”
Since I was working on the road for seven months of the year with my job, I found myself in different churches every week or so as I travelled around. At one particular church in my journey, the pastor gave an excellent sermon teaching about the truth of God and Jesus and how we had to be following the teachings and not just coming to church. His message was biblical and totally resonated with me but at the very end, the pastor apologized for the harshness of the message. I did what I would not normally do before I left the church that day. I reminded him that he should never apologize for sharing Gods message of truth. He agreed.
About a year after this, I moved to where I currently reside. I will say that I searched immediately for a home church and found one that is still my church today. I know that this is where I am supposed to be at this time and have seen some amazing growth in my walk with the Lord since arriving.
I also knew when I arrived here that I needed to be baptised in Christ all over again. When I was baptised in that wonderful church where all the miracles happened, I was in my mind, being baptised onto God. Somehow, I had still managed to miss the importance about Jesus and having a personal relationship with him on an ongoing basis. My wish to be baptised again was to include my walk with Christ as well with a full understanding of what that represented. I know that this may sound bizarre to many if not all Christians but literal me now found this to be an important aspect in my walk with the Lord and my continued growth from a babe who drank only milk to a fully mature Christian in Christ.
I also recognized that if someone had informed me of how easy it was for a babe in Christ (that’s what I was when I joined the military) to be pulled away from God by our enemy and the cares of the world, that I would have realized that I could return to him after basic training and more importantly, I could have been on the watch for it and would have been more aware of the possibility of it happening.
Twelve years ago, God pulled me out of sleep in the early hours of the morning (3am) and caused me to write. At around 7:30 that morning, I was finally able to, for the first time in my life, truly forgive my mother not only on paper but also in my heart as well. God made me realize that she had been battling with the same enemy as I had been and had been doing it for much longer than me. I felt sorry for her and in an instant all resentment for my upbringing and beyond was gone. I could finally say truthfully that I loved her and feel it. For all of my life previously, I had always said that I loved her but it was only words.
That was a major breakthrough, for God and for me. It was also what made it possible four years ago to bring her home to live in my home. Although there were still trials and tribulations throughout her 18 month stay before she passed, (she knew how to push my buttons like no other), there were also times of joy and happiness and she was finally able to spend time with her daughter and grandchildren and great grandchildren and build up memories of hopefully more loving times before her passing. This was Gods doing.
Shortly after starting attendance at my present church, I met a man who for all appearances was a Godly Christian. During our time of getting to know one another he faithfully read the bible, attended church and studied the word of God diligently. We came to know each other and started dating. At no time during our dating process did he ever step out of line with God’s word or commandments and we waited until we were married before even having our first kiss. I was elated that God had given me a Godly husband.
Within the first few days of the marriage however, everything changed. (it really did change that quickly). I was accused of not really loving him because if I did, I would know exactly what he wanted without his having to tell me. I reminded him that even God gave me more time than that to figure him out. I was told that I had to submit to him because God said so. I had been quite willing to follow the Lords direction for a wife to submit to her husband but my joy for doing so was quickly diminished by the demand and cruelty of what he saw as submission. I was constantly being accused of infidelity, this did not occur and even the thought of doing so did not either.
At no time after our marriage was I ever able to meet his expectations or please him. I was devastated and knew in my heart that my newly found joy was not possible with the narcissist that my husband was showing himself to be. I was expected to work ungodly hours and bring in an income from several sources while still taking care of him. He did not work. I lived this life for the next 3 years before realizing that the only option was to leave. There was no peace and therefore no God in our lives, only chaos and pain. I was literally being held a prisoner physically, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually. (He constantly used Gods word to attack me). What I took away from this experience was important though, actually two things. First, not everyone who declares themselves a Christian is a Christian and second, even with the worst experience in my life since my childhood behind me, I was able to forgive him and ask God to help him in his walk with him. It took me some time to do this but with God in my life, I was able to do so.
Preparation
The past several years, (approximately eight), have been some of the best that I have experienced in many. There has been a gradual awakening taking place as God slowly works to put me in a position to live my purpose for him.
About 5-6 years ago, I started to feel a sense of urgency which while difficult to explain or even understand, left me with a strong sense that something major was happening or was about to happen and that I needed to learn what it was. I found myself discovering You Tube channels for the first time. I don’t recall even really knowing about you tube prior to this time or if I did, it was in the general sense of the word only.
About a year and a half ago, I became quite concerned that I was lagging behind in my preparation for Gods plan for me. I went to him in prayer on many an occasion and asked him to help get me to where I needed to be in time. Believe it or not, I have known since that night in November 1997 that when I had accepted the mission, that I had effectively placed myself in the army of God as one of his foot soldiers. As crazy as it sounds and with all of the stuff that I know must take place, I find it a privilege and an honour to be counted as part of his family/army.
Shortly after this, I was reading the New Testament and was shocked by a new discovery. (You know, the living word always has something new to share when the time is right). I discovered that when the angel came to Mary and told her that she had been chosen to give birth to the saviour of the world, it wasn’t a done deal until she too accepted. (Luke 1:38). I had read this passage many times and this was the first time that I recognized that Mary agreed with Gods plan for her in her life.
Again, not long after this time, I was praying in the spirit that I needed to be ready in time and within hours, found a video on You Tube that sent my world into orbit. The video is from Paul and Delia. The title is “Jesus says, tell the children I want them to take their place. The pastor (I guess his name is Paul), shares a dream that he had about 30 years ago in which Jesus shows him a beautiful book and brings him to the Lord’s Prayer. I would encourage anyone to watch it but speaking for myself, it was profound. The message that Jesus gives Paul at the end of the dream is “As the children understand the Lord’s Prayer and, make it their own, it will enable them to take their place”. This was definitely a wow factor moment considering the power of the Lord’s Prayer in my dream in 1995.
The last couple of years have been challenging. I lost my mother in 2017 and shortly after, was involved in a major car accident. My ribs in my chest and right side were cracked and my kidney was severely contused. My ankles and legs and eventually my stomach were retaining so much fluid that trying to function on a daily basis became less and less possible and, to make matters worse, I was diagnosed with a bone disease last year. (This year, I was diagnosed with severe liver damage and put on diuretics to reduce the fluid build-up in my body). The pain on a daily basis has been crippling. Because my hips, lower back and legs tend to go into severe muscle spasms, I spent 3 days in the hospital 3 years ago while the doctors used just about every medication known to break the grip that the spasm had over me. Knowing how easy it can be set off, I have been very cautious about every move I make. Even laying, sitting or standing for too long can set it off. It has also caused numerous bursitis issues in my elbows and hips.
Last year while standing at the kitchen counter, I was reflecting on the awesome time coming up when God would be able to use me to do the work I was waiting to do for him, (waiting, is at times the hardest part), when I distinctly got a message of “What makes you think that you are the only one?” My first response was, “Wow, how arrogant of me, of course I’m not the only one.” This led me to ponder over the many times in the last few years where my strongest feeling was that people were not gonna be prepared for trials and tribulations and expected to be whisked away before it all broke loose. In fact, I have been more concerned for Christians than for the other people (preppers) who are aware that life is going to change because at least those other people are getting ready with many preparations. (They may be doing it for reasons other than trusting in God, but sadly, if we are still here, they will be better prepared for the tribulations that will come). In my mind, if Christians are not prepared to be here when the tribulation starts and they still are, how are they going to reconcile the thoughts of being betrayed by God and becoming desperate enough just to survive. What would they be willing to do when their very survival depends on it in their mind? I believe that the coming tribulation time will require all Christians to be prepared mentally, physically and most of all spiritually with their eyes wide open and all discernment and wisdom for the times intact. Literally, all will need to be fully armoured for God.
I won’t rule out the possibility that I may be wrong on the pre-tribulation rapture but am strongly leaning towards this being an enemy strategy to trick Christians and pull them away from God. Remember Revelations that there will be a great falling away. I do believe that many Christians are not aware that the Pre-tribulation Rapture theory did not come into existence prior to the 18th century and was in fact made popular by Darby and the Plymouth Brethren in the 1830’s. This seems to be about the same time (Darwin, 1859), that the theory of evolution took hold. To believe in evolution is to deny the bible and God, yet school books to this day still promote the theory of evolution.
Ultimately, I believe strongly with my heart that Christians have to be READY no matter which way it goes.
Many scriptures point to this:
Matthew 5: 10-12
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 24: 3-31
3 And as he sat upon the Mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? And what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?
4 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
5 For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.
6 And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.
7 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.
8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.
9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.
10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.
11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.
14 And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the entire world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.
15 When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:)
16 Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:
17 Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take anything out of his house:
18 Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes.
19 And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!
20 But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day:
21 For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be.
22 And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened.
23 Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not.
24 For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
25 Behold, I have told you before.
26 Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.
27 For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
28 For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
29 Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:
30 And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.
31 And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.
I have found that many scriptures both New and Old Testament have parallels and one that strikes me as being one is the story of Joseph in Genesis 41: 3-57
Joseph was 30 years old when Pharaoh made him second in command. It is understood that Jesus started his ministry at or around the age of 30
Joseph was instructed by God to prepare for 7 years of famine. He did not remove Joseph and the Israelites, but rather prepared them for the time at hand. This was a famine that covered the whole of the earth and many perished for lack of food.
I will leave it at these scriptures for now but can attest that there are numerous more that can be found in the New Testament and well as the Old Testament. In fact, when you start to put them together and pray for wisdom and understanding, its interesting how one book can always validate another and the total picture becomes a confirmation of Gods infinite power. There is no other book that can do this.
If you are willing to be patient for just a bit longer, I will wrap up the last final occurrences on this amazing journey that God has had me on since my birth to this time.
A little over six months ago, I found a video on You Tube by AOC network. (The two witnesses). It is using biblical reference in all aspects, it opens a door to a whole new depth of learning in God’s Word and it spoke to the heart that God is creating within me. This is a new heart for him.
I have discovered that there is a true distinction between the words tribulation and wrath. I will try to explain them from a biblical perspective from my research.
Tribulation:
Thayers Greek Lexicon
In Biblical and ecclesiastical writings, a Greek metaphor, oppression, affliction, tribulation, distress, straits
Wrath:
Thayers Greek Lexicon
In Biblical Greek anger, wrath, indignation
I see these two things as very distinct and different from each other. I therefore believe that we will not be subject to God’s wrath at the end of time. While I may be wrong, I do believe that Gods people will be here during tribulation times and with total trust and faith in Gods promises, this will allow for us to find our way through and keep him as our God. We have been warned ahead of time and can be prepared.
My understanding and belief of the difference between Tribulation and Wrath and where my leaning is.
Jesus himself advised that we would go through many trials and tribulation for his names sake. We could expect to be persecuted for our faith. I got a taste of this during my dream in 1995
PS……God won
It is my strongest conviction that we, as Gods children are to prepare in all ways, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually for the times coming upon us. We need to be doing this now.
In the end times, God throws Satan from heaven to earth and allows the Antichrist to cause trials and tribulations to occur for a time. The tribulation will be felt by Gods people most because of our direct conflict with Satan. We will have to count on God and God alone to remain strong. This requires full faith and conviction that we will be protected and provided for, no matter the circumstance(s).
Wrath is a direct result of Gods anger and punishment towards the people who are against him. His wrath will be a horrible and mighty thing that will occur on all who have rejected his salvation and sided with Satan.
My understanding and belief is that the wrath of God will only be poured out after the seven seals and trumpets and after Christ returns for his bride. I believe that the woes referred to in Revelation chapter 8 are a large part of the tribulation process signifying the increasing intensity of tribulation of the time
Of recent, I have been convicted that it is time for me to start sharing the message to Christians and non Christians about being prepared for the time to come upon the world soon. Preparing in every way is no different now than it was when Joseph was instructed by God to store food during the good times for the seven year famine that was to come. The seven years of famine is the same length of time that the tribulation is to last. I feel that the story of Joseph in Genesis is Gods way of showing us how to prepare for this coming time in the future.
I have felt the urge for years to take up my cross and start out on my journey for the Lord. Each time that I have tried to do this, I have always met with resistance with a voice deep within that tells me that yes, I am expected to do God’s work as he directs me but not quite yet. In his timing, not mine. I have even questioned my own inner motives for this and wondered if it was me, sub consciously baling on and sabotaging my purpose with God. I have feared many times that I was not on target with Gods will to be exerted in my life and worried that I might not be ready in time. I too, like all Christians and non Christians alike have been feeling that the time is near.
That time for me has now come.
Only in the past month, have I finally been instructed that now it is time to share my journey with others. If I am to boil down the message to its quintessence, it is this. Be ready no matter what. This is an active role, not a passive one.
In 1995, while struggling with disability, I started to write of my experience with a dreadful disease. I made many attempts but was never able to truly get the project off of the ground. During that time, prior to ever trying to write a single word, I already had the title.
The Quintessential Journey
I realize now, that this title is, and was always meant to be connected to my journey with God. The journey is not over yet, perhaps just beginning, not just for me, but for many if not all of Gods Children. It is a daily commitment of faith, hope and trust. It is a daily commitment to love and, as with any relationship, a commitment to keep that love intact, healthy and growing. Listening and reading skills are a necessity for me. Listening for the voice of our Lord and staying in his word. Following his precepts and commandments and praying continuously. Perhaps one of the most important things for me to protect myself against on this journey is that the distractions of daily life can never replace the need to have myself anchored in the presence of our Lord. I have discovered that this (distractions) is one of my greatest weaknesses. This awareness has been a necessary part of my journey and I can safely bet that the enemy has this knowledge too.
I recognize that the ill health that I have experienced in the past couple of years was Gods way, yet again, to slow me down long enough to get back to what is truly important in this lifetime. I further believe that, in Gods timing, he is capable of healing me totally of all infirmity and use this to his glory. I also know that if God so chooses, he can also use me for his work with my present infirmities. Either way, it is a win win situation as God will always show us the way. Whether it be days, weeks, months or years, I choose to believe and to be prepared and ready.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 New International Version (NIV)
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
I am, to this day, still amazed at the profound and enduring love that God has shown towards this wilful and disobedient servant and will be forever grateful beyond words for his mercy and grace.
He never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself: that is true love like no other. That is God’s Love.
I have learned that to share Gods message with others means, to approach them with the love and sincere concern for them in the same way that god has done for us, his children. This is a genuine, quiet, patient and non judging love. It reaches the heart in the most powerful way. Expressing Gods Love to another creates reflection and introspection, not defensiveness. (Thank you Fred and Donna for practicing this method of sharing Gods love with me).
I ask for God’s blessings on all my fellow brothers and sisters. I pray for those who are oppressed and beat down by the enemy on a day to day basis. I pray for my pastor and all teachers of God that they remain strong in the faith and soldier on. I pray for and give thanks for those who have listened to Gods call in their lives and honour that call. I pray that all false prophets and teachers have their eyes and ears opened to the truth of God in all aspects of their lives. I pray that Gods will be done in me and that I hear him when he speaks to me. I pray for my family that they will know Gods love and accept Jesus as their personal saviour.
I give thanks to God for those whose patience was tested by the length of this and the rest, I leave up to God that his will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
I give thanks to the Lord daily, that he has taken me on this sometimes difficult but ultimately rewarding journey and also for the further insights that have been provided by writing this.
I give thanks to the Lord each day that he is always available and willing to take care of me his child
May the blessings of the Lord be with you always and may he keep you safely enfolded in his arms
Your sister in Christ
Veronica
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